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Aiddrienne Returns |
On a holiday in Italy as my spirit was waking up one of those apparently unconnected experiences became a very real event. I found that sleeping at night was difficult. During the time that I would normally be asleep I had waking dreams one that was incredibly real involved me giving birth and then being given birth to. I was aware of the significance of the message but I had not been prepared for the physicality or the subsequent realizations that I came to while the dream was going on. Obviously being a man I have never given birth in reality and can only imagine the feelings that it invokes. Both the pain and the elation were nothing like had come across before, both emotions existing at the same time. Once I had got over my squeamishness of the whole idea and stopped thinking I was turning into a hermaphrodite, I saturated myself in the emotions. Giving life to something then having to give it up to live independently feeling the pain and loss that it involves eventually giving way to unconditional love. Then to be reborn, not from my mother but from the very being that I had given life to in the first place. Feeling the other side of that pain and the unbreakable bond between mother and child was amazing. These feelings were followed by total dependence on someone else and then to be set free only to return to the opposite side of the relationship. I was at first unnerved by it all, but I had time to get used to as it happened continually until I seemed to be comfortable with the entire concept involved, having no fear or dread of the emotions involved.
The ramifications of the waking dream were that my male and female energies were being balanced, created and re-created constantly. I had been working on this aspect of my life for a considerable time; not until I had this physical experience did I appreciate that my mind was being put in order, which was consequently putting my emotions, biological body and subtle body in order. I felt whole no longer two parts fighting for supremacy, but both energies playing their part when they were required to do so, working in harmony together. Eventually I fell asleep and awoke with the same whole feeling; it had not been an illusion this re enforced my commitment to what I was doing. I appreciated it on an intellectual level but would not accept that it was anything to do with spirit although I had begun to talk of it in spiritual terms. Following the Christlight or any thing so esoteric was far from my intention.
This re-birthing experience happened three months after I had channelled for the first time in four years and I did not connect the two events until I came to write it down months later. At the end of my ramblings about how I felt I needed to feel that closeness to spirit again and the fact that I thought I had reached a glass ceiling, needing something to break through onto the other side. I felt an old familiar energy and then she wrote. Thank you, I am here for you, we have found each other, well we were never lost. Thank you. I was completely dumb struck, never did I imagine for one minute that I would see her write again. The familiar energy I thought was just the normal one I felt when I was on my own and sensed a guide around me, only stronger. It was unmistakable now. I wrote I have just put my finger to the glass ceiling so to speak. To my amazement more writing came. No you are coming through, hello old friend, well done. Just remember grow your hair and remember the way through we will dissolve the ceiling. Dont get sidetracked. Isnt it good to be back, dont be afraid to open your eyes?
Her writing was the same as before everything seemed to be the same, stronger if anything. I asked why this was remembering that she had said that we would never meet again in the same way after she said goodbye. She said that it was different, she was different and I was different, that it could never be the same we had both moved on. This I could not argue with I was completely different, having learned new skills and being more at ease with myself. The most important skill I had learned was to ground at will, very important to keep both feet firmly on the ground when things like this are happening. My mind was reeling from the episode and it was hard to believe that I had felt her again. Perhaps it had not been all a dream. If she could come through when I had been actively denying her there had to be some truth in my earlier dealings with her. My denial left me.
I kept her a secret for quite a while, there was no contact at all and I did not want to be presumptuous or stir anything up that I was not ready for. She said she had changed so maybe I would be getting an updated version, which could be anything. Hang on I thought this is madness all that stuff was far behind me I had no need for them and I certainly wasnt going to go through all that mind bending stuff again. I had to step back. Here I was talking about and doing things that I thought were a thing of the past, I had always retained an attachment to guides but I had thought that was my imagination having its little bit of fun. I enjoyed meditating so that is all I would do, if my mind wants to play games again it means its bored so I will have to give it something to do. The question now was whom was I denying?
The energy in circle got greater almost touchable at times and the frequency of the channelling increased. I was never sure who I was channelling, many of them were different I could feel the change in vibration, but it did not matter. Aiddrienne had never voice channelled so I knew it could not be her. Anyway I did not feel her energy around me at all and guessed that the short time we had re met was to help me through the glass ceiling and that was all, so I let thoughts of her happily drift away.
The feeling that the channel connecting me was more like a wide tube rather than strands of light I was used to, helped to re-enforce the idea that I no longer needed the service of guides. I liked talking to guides so I was not altogether willing to let them go, but if that was the way it had to be then ok. I gave them up unconditionally. I irradiated them from my imagination and it felt good, I was attached to something but it was real. Bang on time as always a new horizon loomed, that of doing a question and answer session with guides and members of the circle. I accepted that it may be a possibility and waited for a sign to show me the way, if it was to be, then I was willing to give it a go. It would also give my grain something to grapple with, if it wanted to play then wed play. At circle we talked of how to plan this and what to do and who might be there, but new it would have to be fairly spontaneous other wise people would turn up just because it was going to happen and not because they were supposed to be there. At the same circle I was told that I was lying to myself about a relationship that I had had in the past. This worried me a bit but I took it on the chin and knew that it was significant in some way. A couple of weeks passed and I began to feel that the vibrations in circle were becoming consistent and that it was definitely female. I suspected that it was some thing to do with the woman with long blonde hair that people had been seeing in their meditations and that I had walked into on numerous occasions. I had talked to her but dared not ask her name. My confidence increased and the idea of a question and answer session grew on me.
The spring equinox was approaching and I was invited to go along by two members of the circle. I had never attended such an event so it was high time that I did. I met many lovely like-minded people and it was a public confirmation of my beliefs. The total acceptance of everybody and all the beliefs that they held was a refreshing and bonding experience. At Stone Henge part of the ceremony entailed each person in turn standing in the middle of the circle while the others said their name as a mantra. Being a Mayan ceremony some people used their Mayan names. As I stood there taking part Ayslas name popped into my head. Not being up on Mayan names nor having verification that it was the right thing to do I resisted saying Aysla as my mantra. The more I thought about it the more the name seemed to fit me not the woman I had met at White Leafed Oak eight years earlier. This gave me a lot to think about, had I got it wrong then or had I supposed to get it wrong?
I had been prompted to dig out a painting that I had started in a very deliberate manner, each brush stroke being meditated upon before execution. I placed it against the wall so that it did not keep asking to be finished. Reading one night. The urge was given to turn it around and meditate on it. Having done this immediately I heard a voice say, "I want to talk". Not sure what this meant it rattled around inside my head, talk or speak, who wants to talk and why? Then it dawned to talk is to have a conversation, perhaps involving questions and answers. I phoned Jane the leader of the circle straight away and explained what I had heard, she confirmed that it sounded right to her and when would I like to do it? Friday I had replied that day being a Wednesday. I had to test my reality again.
It went well and the trance was very deep going on for an hour and a quarter. Four questions were asked and four different guides answered them. It took a long time to come down afterwards because there was a lot of energy around. When I got home I had a meditation to ground myself. As I had expected it was quite a deep one. In it a woman in suede clothes and long blonde hair was carrying me to an altar of some kind. I was not in any harm just tired, she was bringing me to be accepted or anointed with something. On my forehead had been painted an ochre spot and down my nose was an ochre stripe. The ceremony passed and the meditation ended. Who was this woman?
The trap had been set a second time I was hooked again. As easy as putting on an old pair of shoes my beliefs came back, they were so easy to slip into so I let it happen. There was no question about it; there was no choice I had to carry on. On a level somewhere it was always possible to block the changes but I was wide open and I had no will to stop it. My mind and spirit were alive again, that was very healthy, to stop it would deprive myself of something I obviously needed.
Looking through my journals later in the week I was drawn to the passage on Yeswie and Aysla. The name Aysla had come up during the Equinox ceremony at Stone Henge. Analysing the writing very carefully I noticed that all was perhaps not what it seemed and my interpretation may have been flawed, but I could not be sure. Asking for help did not get me very far "It will be revealed" is all that was said. I would have to wait to find out.
One single action triggered the whole story to unfold quite dramatically. I was having a painting framed that I had done eighteen years previously. After painting it I felt as though I had done my definitive work. It felt strong and vibrant and completely out of my hands, I remember when the first sketch was made sitting in a friends bedroom, it terrified me, so much I threw it in the bin and had to retrieve it later. Hanging it on the wall now seemed to unleash its power, I felt myself grow suddenly feeling energy all around me I knew this was the trigger for something big. I had thought about leaving work for a while but could not find a good enough reason. Eventually my dogs got hurt at work chasing rabbits, something they had done since they were pups and that pushed me over the line. I found myself writing out my notice to quit, no real idea what I was going to do, I just knew I had to leave. This irrational behaviour would normally alarm me but it seemed quite natural.
The weekend before I left work I felt well balance and waiting for my next move to become apparent. That day someone had said that I should write down some of my channels and experiences. Not a bad idea, itll give me something to do while waiting to decide where to go next. So I started writing and what fell out first was the preface to this book. Then I felt that energy, Aiddrienness energy. This could not be true I thought Im imagining it. Testing it by trying to push it away I found that it was real and was not going away. Feeling happy that my decision to write a book was the right thing to do for now, my mind turned to Aiddrienne and the puzzle her presence had presented. I was staring out of the window playing music redolent of the time we had worked together, when I saw a figure standing behind me. It was Aiddrienne, I looked away and then looked back and she was still there. Dark full-bodied hair over the shoulder rounded features and almond eyes it was her all right. Not looking round I scalded myself saying that it was the outline of my coat on the back of the door, but it was lovely affirmation just thinking about it, I would take it as a sign. Accepting the vision as a wishful thought I carried on staring out of the window, the music stopped and on turning round I noticed there was not a coat on the back of the door. It was a flimsy light blue shirt that with any stretch of the imagination could not resemble the figure of a woman; they dont have pointed heads.
I was unsure what was going on, I had seen Aiddrienne again exactly eight years to the day that she said "Goodbye", and then there was this blonde hairdo woman who had a very strong presence in circle. Could they be the same guide? For both to appear around the same time was not my normal experience when a change of guides was imminent, there had always been a slack period. In my mind the two started to blur at the edges, but I still did not ask who was whom I just let it run. The blonde woman slowly became the stronger of the two and I accepted that she was the one I would now be working with. I could not believe that I had started to talk of guides in such a way again. The whole thing had not clicked yet.
© Phil Ironside