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Internal Conflict |
I had become disillusioned with the church because of my perceived duplicity of the things that were taught and the way that I saw people lead their lives outside the holy day. Either the doctrines where too hard to be understood and follow or their meanings had been misconstrued. Perhaps there was no god at all; we just invented things to suit us at any given time. The pursuit of wealth, a way to control the masses by fear of an almighty vengeance seeking god, who had in fact preached peace and good will to all men, had been misunderstood and misused to please the little minds of men. Right now the persona of God could be thinking, "Where did I go wrong? All men and women are equal in the sight of God and the vision has been forgotten."
When I was a child, I wanted to be a part of God I wanted to live in the light. I vividly remember the night, at the age of six that I called my dad up to my bedroom and asked him if I could give my heart to the Lord. My dad had prayed and that was it. So where was I now? Perhaps because I could not see eye to eye with the Christian church had I invented my own version of God? One that I could relate to, not the sickly sweet, goody-goody, boring unreal God that I had found I could not reconcile my life with. This was my problem not Gods problem. Was the energy that I talked to now just another face of God, the same one that I had accepted into my life at the age of six.
Are we so removed from ancient biblical history that, it just does not work anymore? The new consciousness was coming from beliefs going back tens of thousands of years. My heart ached. The things that I was experiencing were very real to me and for the first time in my life I felt that I was in contact with something that really loved me unconditionally. It was the same feeling that I had sometimes felt in Christian circles. I knew that Christians would say that I was dabbling in the occult, worshipping false gods and would therefore be damned to hell, so why talk to Aiddrienne when I could go straight to the top so to speak.
My earlier summation that all religions and beliefs were part of the same energy was easy to take intellectually, but spiritually was proving to be more difficult. If they were all one then why was there so much antagonism between them? And how could there be one united God? Theology was telling me one thing and my heart was telling me something completely different. The love I felt for Aiddrienne was very real and when I felt her energy around me, I felt in contact with a holy force. I had absolute faith in her, something that I had not felt for the Christian persona of God. Who was to say that either was wrong? I did not want to choose between them I wanted both. They could exist quite happily in my own mind together so that is what they would have to do. I could not unlearn. An interesting thought then entered my mind, would believing in both exclude me from both. I wanted to sit down with the Pagan, the Mayan, the Jew, the Christian and Aiddrienne, but would they let me.
I had not bargained for these internal conflicts but I had to follow my instinct and see where they led me. For a couple of days there was not much contact with guides, I needed time to sought this one out. Only time would tell whether things had gone beyond reason and flipped me out of my tiny mind. Wandering around in a daze seeing things as though for the first time indicated that something odd had gone on. I found myself crying for no good reason; little incidences would touch me like they never had before. A child laughing or an old man sitting on a park bench would make my heart ache, this was absurd I was a man. The automatic writing stopped as well, try as I might the words that I wrote were all mine, not that of Aiddrienne. My dreams were very vivid though, parties, weddings and those wonderful flying sequences that make you believe that you have actually flown, like Superman does in the movies.
© Phil Ironside